Mouth Off

Man! Who made this blog? It is never updated! But wait? What's this? A new... MOUTH STUFF!

Last I left off I was still in Atlanta, Georgia, which seems like quite a long time ago. Before leaving sticky Hotlanta, however, we visited another notable place of feasting: Vortex. Vortex is your typical bar and grill type restaurant and because of the common stereotype they felt it necessary to make some additions to the experience. Once being generally ignored and seated, a glance at the menu taught us some basic rules about being in a bar. Because I've never been in a bar before, I read through the list. There was a whole page of rules that were described with a vitriolic attitude. Rules such as "if asked to show your ID don't pull any shit! We WILL kick you out," "know what you're gonna drink when ordering from the bar and DON'T ask the bartender questions." The restaurant's claim to fame was, apparently, being rude and ambivalent to customers, a 'too cool for school' type of feel. Our waitress kept her eyes at half mast and her hip seemed to be perpetually popping. Not that this bothered us, it just seemed like a desperate attempt at being different. Their selling point should have been having savory burgers because they really were some delicious piles of meat and bread. It wasn't the best burger I've ever had (because I've been to The Counter in the Los Angeles area) but not being the best doesn't mean it isn't good. The portions were smaller but that didn't bother me since I always over eat anyway. I feel like I just wrote a Yelp review.

I was in the South. The dirty dirty South. I wanted a pulled pork sandwich. Dave was on a tight schedule to get to West Virginia to see his parents, leaving little time to dilly dally in search of the most succulent pork in the land. Finding an award winning sandwich a couple miles off a freeway exit would be tough, I decided to take what I could get. We stopped at King's BBQ in North Carolina. It was a drive up or in; there were individual trays and speakers for each car. The sandwich was small and felt like fast food but the vanilla shakes Dave and I got made up for the near disappointment.

Linda Whitaker, Dave's mom, cooked for us in Wheeling, West Virginia. Her cooking is always good. I learned, or at least wrote down, her recipe for chocolate sauce.

Dave and I had fish sandwiches at Coleman's in downtown Wheeling. They are small but pack a flavor punch. We had enough tarter sauce and ketchup to open a face painting kiosk in the market. Coleman's was proof of my mind's disorganization. My ability to recall is almost never efficient. It is a somewhat harrowing experience when you realize that your memory of an event is entirely incorrect. I had been to Wheeling once before with David to visit his grandmother. I also have family in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Up until biting into that fish sandwich I believed that I had once enjoyed it in Massachusetts. Is it possible to be self conscious about one's capacity to remember?

Tony, Dave's friend, took us to a dive bar where I ate a buffalo chicken sandwich and had my first Natty Boh. The sandwich was standard but the beer was great. It a Maryland beer that all the hipster equivalents drink. I'm glad that Natty Boh and Pabst Blue Ribbon exist because I wouldn't make it through life with Natty Ice and Coors Lite as my only choices.

Coffee is still off the endangered list around me. I miss the taste of coffee like a hat misses Mr. Wonka's head but what results from me succumbing is terrible enough to keep me at bay. Dave, on the other hand, can still bathe in the murky pleasure. On recommendation from a barista in Atlanta we visited Peregrine in Washington, DC. I had a scone, I am a fan of the triangles, and Dave had coffee. The scone sank to the mire of mediocre scones in my belly as Dave was saying the coffee was great. Peregrine did have a note worthy gem. The chocolate bars available were tops. I finally tried a Vosges chocolate bar. The bacon seemed too cliche so I tried the Oaxaca. It was okay, spicy chocolate but not a mouth sensation. Being a part of the chocolate choosing, the barista offered us a sample of a chocolate that I can't remember the name of. It was heavenly. Someday I will learn the origin of that delicacy.

In DC we also ate decent pizza, decent Greek food, and probably the best malted shake I've had. Dickey's Frozen Custard. I don't know what frozen custard is but goddamn, it was good. They only have two sizes, huge and obese. Needless to say (which always perplexed me, if it says "needless to say" then why am I saying it?) I couldn't finish the smallest size.

South Africans cooked for me and Dave in Baltimore, Maryland. It is very clear why Americans are so overweight. Everything we ate in that loving house could have been on the Weight Watcher's food list. Vegetables, meats, fruit as desert, yogurt, mousli. All delicious.

Passing through Philadelphia I needed to get a Philly Cheese Steak. I've never been particularly enthralled with a cheese steak but I've also never been to Philadelphia, the food's birthplace. As far as a sandwich with meat and cheese goes, the cheese steak we had was amazing. We stopped at Chink's Steaks, a place I'd stop if only for the name. A T-Bone steak sandwich to fill my belly, it was. It was also not T-Bone steak. If you were wondering, orange flavored malts are pretty much the best orange thing a person can consume.

We ate at a tiny place in a residential area called BSF which, of course, stood for Burgers, Shakes, and Fries. It was a privately owned business and thoroughly tasty. It must have been exciting when burger joints were all family owned.

I've been in Massachusetts for some time which means I've eaten at many places. As a conservationist I will portray these places as such:
Eggplant parmesan - made by my cousin Todd and my Aunt Pat. Yum.
Enchiladas - made by Todd. Not Mexican in the slightest but good.
Smitty's Ice Cream - Love it. I'm on a chocolate peanut butter craze.
Bar Louie - In Foxboro, by the stadium. Probably the best sit down meal I've had on this trip.
Tony's Clam Shop - Next time I get fried seafood I will have to ask a neighboring table to stifle me via tranquilizer.
I had a cabinet in Rhode Island which is what they call a shake. It's mostly ice cream but all delicious.

Fun Fact: Everybody in Massachusetts loves Dunkin' Doughnuts. It's their Starbucks. Their doughnuts suck.